Hooray For A Picture Post!!

Here are some pictures of a couple of recent events (within the last year). The first is my wife and I playing at The Crossing in Middleburry. The second is at an Open Heavens gathering. The others are just random. Soon I'm gonna get some pics of our recent studio time for everyone to enjoy. Take care all.

Erin and me @ The Crossing - Middleburry

Leading Worship - Open Heavens

Bob Deering and I

Leading Worship - Open Heavens

Extreme Close Up

Kris And I Jammin In My Living Room

Heres One of the Hairy Chin

The Light of My Life

My Army!

Random Thoughts

For the last few days I have been trying to get in the studio and start to get some stuff down. It's been fun to hear things come together in the process. We're using a program that samples a real drummer to different beats. I have, until recently, been a huge skeptic about these sort of programs because I had just felt well...uncertain about it. Call me weird. Anyway, the program we are using is remarkable and we have barely tapped into it. There are so many possibilities and options, plus things you never really thought of, or heard. Once we got a solid beat for a skeleton through the song I was able to lay down a bass track. I think a lot about bass when I'm writing music for a song. I have always felt that the bass guitar really directs the progress of emotion through the song. Kinda like a "point A to point B" journey through music. The bass directs. At any rate it was good to hear the bass and drums together. To be able to get the music stuff that is in my head out and into a computer and back out through speakers is a comforting feeling to a guy like me. We got three songs where bass and drums are recorded, I Believe, Thunder In Me, and My Everything. We'll go back after the rhythm guitar and other things are recorded and add drum accents here and there. Like fills and crashes and rid cymbals, you know stuff like that. It would be cool to somehow let everyone in on the process of recording this stuff. I think most would be amazed to hear a song go from baby to toddler to teenager to adult. When it comes to the recording process anyway. Maybe I'll get some pics up of me and Kris in his home studio. It's lotsa fun. So far I got seven songs written and am also in the process of writing more. I would like the CD to be a ten to twelve song CD. I really believe that when it's done. I will honestly be able to say that "If you want to know who I really am, listen to this CD". For me that would be a real accomplishment. I just want to offer something genuine. I don't want to think about a certain goal when it comes to writing. For example, Like what is a worship song and what's not. Or think, will people be able to enter into worship with this. Those thoughts have plagued me often and I forget why I write in the first place. To commune with my God. These songs are first, experiences I have with God in moments of prayer. I more or so decide whether or not I'm going to let people in on it. It is weird because sometimes I feel like I could be putting myself out there, and in some sort of weird way, it's getting harder to do. Maybe I'm just weary. Well I know this blog was jumbled so I apologize. More on all this stuff individually later.

All We Gotta Do Is.........

This is good.

Cool Quote

So I was watching Larry King live last night. His guest was James Dobson of Focus on the Family. Larry King decided to ask him his thoughts on hurricane Katrina and why he thinks God would do something like this. James Dobsons reply was simply this:
"I, by no means, understand what is going on in the mind of God as much as a dog can understand what's going on in mine". After hearing this I was reminded that faith is still at the helm of the ship. Remember folks that we can think we understand what God is doing in our time but we still only see dimly as looking through a glass. When we are so driven by what we believe God is doing. It may be time to step back and question our motives and agenda. I am not called to understand why God does what He does. I am called to love Him with everything I have and to love others as I love myself. We can spend a life time trying to accomplish understanding of our King. But it will surely be wasted if we do not love in the capacity that He desires us to love. Seek love over all things and truly the mysteries of God will be revealed to us in the right time according to His will. Now if I could just figure out how to love myself.

Just Do What You Feel

I am looking forward to playing again next week. It has been some time since I've played a coffee house or sang with my wife. When we sing songs it just feels natural, like we're not trying, but it's happening. I wish I was better at picking out vocal parts for my original songs. I trust her and her voice. So I usually end up saying "Just do what you feel". Then I got to thinkin.

This Is Like, Some Really Good Stuff...Well About The Book

So I'm reading a book that came out last year called "The Barbarian Way". I am only 15 pages in and have been rocked. I relate to the subject matter in so many ways. I am kinda a "full force" guy when it comes to believing in what I believe. When I gave my life to Jesus it was a done deal. Since, I have never questioned whether my decision to accept Christ was valid or not. It was simply something that needed to be done in order for me to have any ounce of sanity. It was simply the love of God that wooed me from the dark intent of my heart. Out of all the things I have subjected myself to, the message and the crucifixion of Christ was the only thing that ever made sense. Anyway that is a whole nuther story. To the point Eric. I find myself never questioning the motives of God. I do however question my own wants and desires (same thing - inside joke jp~) Arrg these rabbit trails. I however am not perfect and I fall so very short all of the time but, I have realized in my barbarianess I will not be stricken down. I will not let sin defeat me. I will not let spiritual accusation consume me. And I will wear my scars boldly as I know that the way to the heart of God is a devastating road. With that being said I would like all who read this excerpt to consider the possibilities of your barbarian ways.

"From the moment Jesus walked among us the invasion began. And just as with those who crossed paths with Him here on earth, those who are most religious will be most offended and indignant. Barbarians are not welcome among the civilized and are feared among the domesticated. The way of Jesus is far too savage for their sensibilities. The sacrifice of God's Son, the way of the Cross, the call to die to ourselves, all lack the dignity of a refined faith. Why insist on such a barbaric way? Why a reckless call to awaken the barbarian faith within us at the risk of endangering this great civilization we have come to know as Christianity? Because Jesus did not suffer and die so that we could build for ourselves havens, but so that we might expand the kingdom of His love. Because invisible kingdoms are at war for the hearts and lives of every human being who walk on the face of this earth. And times of war require barbarians who are willing to risk life itself for the freedom of others"

In some way shape or form I think that Christians have become so wrapped up in agenda and pride that we forget about the thing that makes us Christians in the first place. The fact that we have given ourselves to God to accomplish His will, not our own. And that we've tried to recruit those who surround us to build man made kingdoms with man made rules. We can't keep taking God out of a box just to put Him in a new one. Just because the box is larger, doesn't mean it will house Him. Freedom in Christ? I hope I and the church will get there someday. Until then, I'm ready for a revolution!

Why Blog?

I have noticed that I have been lacking in the blog area again. So I decided that I will not be to hard on myself and that I would just try to keep up with life as I try to keep up with this blog. I am convinced that no one reads this any way. Which reminds me why I decided to write this imparticular blog. A friend of mine told me that they decided not to blog anymore because someone read their blog and decided to confront them about the thoughts on the blog. Jeez, can I say blog one more time in that sentence. Any how it reminded me about why I blog in the first place. This being freedom of thought. See I feel by letting the world in on my thought process I can actually be of help to those who may be going through the same types of things that I am experiencing. To even ponder that someone shouldn't have certain opinions or thoughts seems like we would want to make everyone just like we are. Which I'm sorry but that is totally wrong (my opinion). My hope in writing this is to encourage those in one: that they continue to express themselves no matter what others think, and two: that those who criticize other people thoughts and feelings would take a look at themselves and ask "why do I have to point out others short comings so I can feel better about my walk and what I do" Our job as Christians and in accountability is not to go rummaging through someone's house looking for sin, but if we happen to see sin, to try to help the individual out of it through love, not criticism. There is a fine line between helping someone along through their walk and letting God do His work in them, than stepping in and deciding you know what's best for them in a situation. Especially if you know that the person is currently seeking God. Let God move and get out of the way. Your walk is your own and God will work because He is sovereign. So to this person, I hope you read this and that you would continue to blog, because I enjoy your thoughts. And really when it comes down to it. Who cares what others say, if you know in your heart that you are pursuing God. Because in the end those people won't be there with you. But they will be answering to God for their own actions.

Rich Mullins

Today is the aniversary of the death of Rich Mullins. Rich (though I was saved after he died) was and is an influential man of God in my life. I would and do encourage all to read his writings and listen to his songs. Rich continues to be one of the most real men of God I have ever had the chance to listen to. I just thought I would give Rich a tribute for being an essential influence. Thanks Rich, your legacy lives on through Christ.

What??!!??

Well the concert felt really good and there was a lot of positive feedback. Though some of the songs were unknown to the majority of the people, I saw many of them singing the lyrics and they seemed to be genuinely worshipping, which I found to be exciting. There was definitely a movement of God in the room at times throughout the show. I think really all in all it was an excellent night and I was able to introduce my music to a willing audience. When it was all said and done I found out that Mike (our sound guy) plugged the HD24 recorder into the power strip that my dad normally plugs all of his gear into. And unbeknownst to him he routinely turned the power strip off at the end of the night. Now I want to make perfectly clear that there is not a single person at fault here. Simply an honest mistake and really not even that. Mike saw an outlet and plugged it in, my dad did what he does every Tuesday night and turned his power strip off, which I will say now that, Ahem.... All of the data was lost for the recording. Surprisingly I feel OK about this unfortunate event because I believe that God is in control. Now there will be no way to replace the atmosphere that was established last Tuesday, but maybe God has something else in mind ie: another show, studio recording, nothing at all. I'm not sure what God has in store but I would like to hear from all who read this for suggestions. Should I do another concert? If so, how long should I wait? Should I do it totally different? Should I just let it go? I am at peace with whatever God wants but, I believe He will make it more clear through you guys. So let a brutha know.

IIIIIIII'''''''''''MMMMMM BBBBAAAACCCKKKK

Anyway, I finally got my laptop back in order and let's hope it works. My minds for the last couple weeks have been consumed with this coming up concert. I guess I just hope that people are blessed by the songs and that it proves to be a good atmosphere for worship. I guess it's hard to find help to get things started as a musician. It's funny how when your "no one" in the music world people barely want to help out or say that they will.**edit: this pertains to no one in particular but is the feeling I get in my own woundedness because I unintentionally put my priorities above others. I see this and hate it...end edit** But we all know if Martin Smith showed up to church to do a gig they'd be lining up down the street to help out. Anyway, I hope all goes well. I believe God has a great purpose for this night (Tuesday August 29th at the meeting place in Elkhart)I just hope I do not get in the way.

Prayer* God, purify my heart. My ways are not Yours. Sorry for all the crap that I think and do. Use me dispite my ways. Your will be done.

S.O.S Need Computer

To anyone who has an old computer sitting around, I need it. My home computers video card is dead and it's built into the motherboard. My laptop is way freaked out and very unstable(it took over a week to insall a fresh windows on it cause it kept shutting down) Anyway, if any of ya'll have an old computer (even a dinosaur) let me know I could use it until we can afford a new one. At any rate, all is well, growth is interesting, banners are waved, love prevails, the crucified life is imminent and His joy is my strength.

It Is For Freedom

I was thumbing through my journal the other day and ran across this old writing. The first word in my journal is "Freedom" and it reads as follows:

Freedom - Freedom is not what one is when there is a lack of rules or when another doesn't have authority over you. Nor is it one who is able to do what he wants regardless of rules, laws or consequence. Freedom comes when one is walking in the true will of the Father. A freedom comes when you know that you feet are exactly where they are supposed to be. Freedom is being trumpeted in the land. Freedom cannot be contained. Freedom will not be ignored. The spirit of freedom will prevail.

Galatians 5:13 reads "For you were called to freedom brethren, only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love, serve one another."

We are called to freedom. We are called to walk in the will of the Father. So often we turn freedom, or what we perceive freedom to be, as an opportunity for selfish gain. But our Father desires us to use freedom as an opportunity to love one another. I am not serving or loving with a true spirit if I am not walking in the will of God.

Prayer - "Lord I desire my every step to be ordained by Your perfect will. Please allow me to see when my flesh is after selfish gain and when I am loving or serving in the flesh. Quickly allow me to regain any steps lost in the path you have for me"

There are many traps and snares along the path of freedom. The enemy fears a man walking in true freedom. What is more dangerous to the kingdom of darkness than a man walking in the will of the Father. The traits of a man walking in freedom are humility, love, fruit, service, wisdom, perspective, power and authority. Through obedience, holiness is not unattainable for we are one. Seek my will, deny your flesh,hear My voice, hear the trumpet sound. Freedom is near, it will come, it cannot be stopped. The closer you come to Me, the closer you come to freedom and freedom is My will for all. - end entry

I read that today and it reminded me that God still has a plan for my life. Though I am still seeking His will I am never-the-less a "Freedom Fighter". So that being said, it is for freedom why I pick myself from up off the ground, look up to the sky, and take another step up the mountain of life.

WARNING!!WARNING!!..(the post under this is not meant to judge anyone at all but meant to encourage, if I judge anyone in this post it is myself.)

Please, if you are going to read the post "Man of Faith" do not be led to believe I am judging harshly in any way. I am simply ranting particular feelings. I believe the undertone of the post is to encourage myself and hopefully encourage the reader. I will however take your comments to the following. I encourage thought and debate :)

Man Of Faith

My life is not perfect. I struggle in every possible way and often think that I'll never really be able to change. My mind wonders to the depths of despair and I never fail to find myself wishing for better times. I seem to want to find this super equation that helps me understand my purpose in this world. Truth is, I wallow in my own punishment. It would be so easy to turn into a person who blames society or "the man" or others who just don't have it figured out. To turn my angst to politicians and to the world, to muster up some kind of cause to protest against. Even blame the church and religion for being hypocrites and liars. But the truth is, I have been given life. I have been created to love. I am fearfully and wonderfully made by the Creator of all beings who sits on a throne and marvels in the lives of His creation and people. "Peace be still" He says to the storm clouds of my soul "I have chosen you". I have but one request of my God. That His will be accomplished in my life that I might one day stand before Him in everlasting eternity. You see, if you don't believe in God, or you do but not "The One True God" there is a longing that is never filled in our souls. We have but one chance to sit at the table of the Lord. And the only way to accomplish this it to believe. Believe that in all of this chaos and random times of joy that we are in the process of being made whole. Are you whole? Or is something missing? Can you honestly say you are complete? There comes a day in surrender when you have exhausted all of your options and you look up through a lightning filled blood red sky and say "You are my portion my God my Savior, no matter what, I will follow. Though You slay me, I will trust You Lord" The answer is found in the One who has been brutally slain. Jesus is as real as it gets folks and trust me I have searched for other means and have followed other desires. Jesus is the only One who has not betrayed me or left me in any way. But it has been I who has gone astray. I understand there are religious pretenders out there who kill the word Christianity with their money grubbing and rules of salvation and their betrayal of love to those hurting, and to them I pray swift reconciliation. But also believe this. There are those out there who have really lived the life, and stood their ground for the sake of a very real God. What drives such men and women to endure every pain in life.......I believe the answer is faith. Faith in a King, a Friend and a Lover. Would you die for what you believe in? Would you endure ridicule and humiliation and face the mockery of your friends and family for believing in an ever criticized religion. I propose this. Christianity is not a religion, it is life. It will cost you everything to walk out the will of God for your life. It is the most painful and the most rewarding. You know what is really important in your life when you can say you are willing to die for it. Be encouraged and have faith. For this life is but a vapor. Let the beauty and mystery of Jesus capture your every waking breath....and live life.

A New Leaf

Well I said that I would try to post every Friday and it has now been over a month since I last posted. Speaking of, I saw a great T-Shirt yesterday that a friend was wearing. It was all black and on the front in red letters it said "Procrastinators Unite Tomorrow". I was like "Dude that shirt rocks". As you can see I identified with it. Than I got to thinking, "Man I am so that way in my spiritual life and life in general that I have suffered consequences in both." In my spiritual walk I have said things like, "I need to read the word more or I need more time with the Lord, I need to spend more time with my family discussing Godly things" in the natural I have been known to put bills off, and avoid situations that need attention, and say "I need to write more". Yesterday I noticed finally and harshly, I am a procrastinator. And for once it didn't feel like a joke, it felt real. Not that I want to read the word and pray more because of performance based relation with God, but because I know I will benefit from it in my decision making for my future and for the lives of my kids. In essence I need to stop talking about how I am a Christian and in love with God and actually BE a Christian and LOVE God. I and my generation hurts because of this horrible trait, and we seem to just wait for everything to fix itself. I don't know about you but I want my yes to be yes. Ahem....next Friday

The Fleeting Dream

So I had a dream last night where I was talking to this girl from another state and I was at some kind of flea market type thing. Anyway she found out my name and thanked me for writing a song that was dear to her. I thanked her and asked her which song. She began to sing it and at first I didn't recognize the song. Then she began to sing the verses and I began to cry. "I forgot about that song" I told her, "I gotta start singing it again". The reason I was crying was that a song meant so much to someone when I (the writer) had forgotten about it. Right then I made it a point to remember the melody and the words as she was singing it. Then I woke up and...........well you guessed it. Immediately I forgot the words and melody. Maybe the words and melody count or maybe it was a metaphor, regardless the song in my dream sounded so cool (melody and all). I do remember when the girl started singing it, I flashed back (in the dream mind you) to playing at New Life Community Church (my old church) where I was playing the song. So it was in the flashback where I heard the song with a full band. Well, I guess I need to write some more. Bye for now. Oh yeah, I will now try to post every Friday so check back next week.

K.C. Trip Day 3

Today has been revelation after revelation. It is amazing that when we get into a place of beholding God that he reminds us that He is with us and for us. Many prophetic words were spoken over my life today reminding me that God counts me worthy. You see my struggle is that I see God as wanting to reprimand me for my short-coming. When again it places the focus upon myself instead of Christ. The idea is beholding Jesus and in doing that we become what we behold. Well a heavy duty word was spoken over me this afternoon about "Him wanting to meet with me tonight" or the Lord saying "I will meet with you tonight". So I'm gonna go and wait!!!

K.C. Trip Day 2

Another great day and just a little problem with the laptop but nothing huge. I spent most of the day in the prayer room and was able to see my wife on the webcam at home. some technology is good I guess. Today I read a book called "Overcoming the Religious Spirit" by Rick Joyner. Needless to say it completly changed my life. My outlook on myself and just the process God has everyone in has changed. I realize that I need to take my eyes off of my own sin and focus them where they need to be, which is on Jesus of course. Sounds pretty simple right. Well thats the point. God has made a simple way for us to love and to be loved by Him. But our nature and the enemy wants to complicate that so we can be sucked into a bunch of religious garbage so our focus becomes that on ourselves instead of the blood of Jesus which makes us holy and acceptable in the first place. It is a revelation and a life changing experience for me to realize that. Anyway I could go on for awhile but I would rather at this time stay before God for the rest of the night, to make sure it soaks in. Oh yeah, I took a spiritual gifts test. Now most of these are wierd and by no means does it suggest my calling in life (the test even states that). I tried to answer as honest as possible and the results said that my gifting is in prophecy first and then prayer. Interesting to say the least. Well more tomorrow.

K.C. Trip Day 1

Well after spending most of the night trying to get my internet working, I finally got it. My computer (laptop) is acting way up. I should just slap it and put it in it's place. As you can tell it has frustrated me tonight and in the past. Anyway, on a positive note. We made it just fine. Kris and I were on our way to the van which was supposed to leave at 8:00am. when my RV suddenly ran out of gas. The gas gauge doesn't work so I guess you could say that I miscalculated. We walked to the gas station and got a gallon of gas and a gas can. To make a long story short I continued to flood the engine resulting in a major inconvienence. Josh gracefully came to our rescue. We tried jumping the RV battery cause I killed it trying to start it to often as a result of my impatience with the whole scenario. Needless to say that my RV is now locked up and sitting in the Jimtown school parking lot since they were generous enough to let me park it there. I hope it will start when I get back. It took about 10-11 hours to get here and I am now sitting in the pleasant atmosphere of the K.C. house of prayer. The 12-2am slot has been very good thus far. Kinda mellow in the room but the worship team is kickin. I hope to spend the most of my hours here in the prayer room for the next 3 days. I do have a couple of meetings with the Forerunner Music people but I hope they will be quick and to the point as I would bet they would want the same thing. I just want to be with God and rekindle that giddyness. To have joy again and dare to walk totally and completly in His ways. I do have weak legs and I tend to fall alot. It's starting to hurt. Intimacy. Theres a word, or how bout this one, love. Geez, wrap your head around those. Or better yet, forgivness. I need to start forgiving myself so I can move on. Once I forgive myself I think I'll bee able to start loving others. Well we'll see what day 2 holds. I love and miss you Erin Jayne. I wish I could see that when I'm with you more often than when I'm without.

What The?

Ok, so you gotta check out this video of a 12 yr old ripping a crazy drum solo. Make sure you watch it till the end. I know you'll be amazed at the talent this kid has.

IHOP-KC BUSTIN' OUT

Well we have started recieving the Ihop-KC web feed at our home and it has been really awesome. The worship has been really good and you can just sense the level of annointing and blessing that God has bestowed on this house of prayer. They are on a different level since a couple of years ago. The flow is so natural and not pre-determined. I especially enjoy Misty's nights as well as Clay Edwards, Justin Rizzo and Shawna Forrey. These worship leaders are exceptionally well and their teams are tremendous. If you get achnce check em out. For the prayer room schedule and webcast go here
We have been recieving the free web cast under the Global Bridegroom Fast link. It says that it is available free the first Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday of every month. For some reason the link has worked since my wife and I started using it last week. Maybe it's God knowing how much that we need to be refreshed. There is something about KC and their(Gods)house of prayer. I think it might be that they are walking in their specific calling. Nothing more, nothing less. The ministry is in the will of the Father. Their not trying to build something. They are just being obidient to God, not man. Anyway, God is a good father.

Random Post

Well I wanted to update and thought "I'll show some pictures" Here are a few random pics to share and soon I will write a novel on this thing. I haven't quite been able to put my thoughts into words and I suppose not writing them down is kinda my way of avoiding them. But I know and realize the sooner I face my thoughts the sooner I can move on. God is so patient with me. And I so lack faith in Him. Well, here are some pics.

Someones Wishes at the Skatepark

Madisen as a Librarian

Mom & Maddy

I'm In Love

Recently I aquired a "Boss AD 8 acoustic guitar processor". Now if your a non musician or non guitar player you may not understand what the big deal is, let me explain. The ad 8 allows my "Morgan Monroe Serenade" electric acoustic (pictured-retail $599)sound like a $2000 Martin through a process of COSM modeling (Composite Object Sound Modeling). For guys like me (rich in spirit, poor in finance) this is a dream come true. You see I mostly play electric acoustic and rarely ever play unplugged. So this is perfect for my situation. I love the playability of my guitar and it sounds good plugged straight into a P.A. I've had no complaints. But now the sound is amazing. I gotta give it up for Boss and this pedal. The pedal also offers features like reverb, mic modeling position and a built in tuner with a mute function. Also on the pedalboard is a Boss Chorus CE-5 and an RC20 Looper with a Rolls headphone amp and an Art tube preamp direct box. Now I am set. The last feture I could ever desire is a Boss Digital Delay (maybe way later). Oh yeah, here are the models of acoustics achieved through the Boss.

Martin D-28 mic'd by a Nuemann U87, Martin 000-28 mic'd by a Nuemann U67, Gibson J-45 mic'd by a Nuemann U67, Gibson B-25 mic'd by a Nuemann U87, Guild D-40 mic'd by a AKG C12 and a Jose' Ramirez mic'd by a AKG C12

My Guitar

My New Toy

Suffering

I am now the proud owner of this painting. My friend Ryan painted it a long time ago and is now moving out of town. He said I can have this painting. It now hangs in my living room above my couch. I love it's representation of the cross. It shows that Jesus' sacrifice was no walk in the park and that he truly endured pain and suffering. I also dig the way it shows darkness in the true separation of God that occured when Jesus died. It truly portrays the question "Why have You forsaken Me". A question I'm sure Jesus never lokked forward to asking. Or maybe He did.

Original Painting By Ryan Singleton

The Show Was Great

Well tonight I saw Chris Tomlin and Matt Redman at the Morris. It was really good. Chris did what seemed to be the greatest hits collection and Matt did some of his popular songs. The songs done from what I can remember were, in no order:

Chris: Holy is the Lord, Indescribable, We Fall Down, Famous One, How Great Is Our God, Enough, and some others

Matt: Blessed Be Your Name, Once Again, The Heart Of Worship, a new song I had not heard and a couple more.

All in all it was a great night and the media presentation was off the hinges. It really was presented as an art form. Louie Giglio had a great message too. I was glad to see everyone that I hadn't seen in awhile. Good friends, time with my Dad and great worship. What a night.

Apollogy 4 Tha Wurst Speling N Thu Wurld

So I was reading my last post and noticed that I could have been thought of as a drunk the way I mispelled everything. "So use spell check" you might say. Well, I just forget about it and by the time I post, I just don't wanna go back. So I apoligize if you really have to try to understand sometimes what I'm trying to say.

Is There Some Kind Of Light I'm Missing

Weel I suppose now that I will write about the deslolation that has infultrated my mind and spirit. Through all that has happened in 4 months ie. surgery, Emma born, vascetomy, no job within sight (jobs come here and there but not in longevity). Needless to say I have had alternate things try to comsume my life. The hide and seek game is over for now. I tired of looking. In seeing this I understand that a pursuit is nescesary. I feel that somehow I have lost the key to my fathers heart. I used to feel like I could unlock it and at any time. And in the times when I couldn't. It was my "wilderness". See what I have noticed is the "The Wilderness" periods are far and few in between, when the only anwser is to physically lean upon the cross of Jesus. Other times we are lost in "The Woods" if you will and we happen to run acrossed revelation here and there. You see the woods are not desolate. You have your friends, family, Spouse, disteraction, a so called prophetic word and even a plan, also a whole lotta God told mees. The wilderness seems to be a desolate place to make your abode. It's uncomfortable, a place without advice, a place of fear of the unknown. Barren of friends and friends ideas. Absolutly no finances. You are left with you and what you think that the voice of God sounds like. You start to question "Do I know what His voice sounds like, or is it my voice" Does God always tell you good things? Does God think everything is peachy. You ask things like "Am I a Christian in compared to what I think a good Christian would look like" "Then why can't I love with purity" "Why can I not kill my motive" The only thing left to do is four things:

Pray
Be Silent
Listen
Write

In that order.
If anyone knows of a job that could suit me, please let me know, I need it:)

The Big 30

Live Worship Show

Crazy

Things have been nuts around the homestead with the new addition and school starting back up again. We need to find a rhythm so keep us in prayer please. I will post more later but for now, much love **pat..pat...peace**

A New Ward To Love

Well she's here 7lbs 12.5 oz. 21 in long. Emma Jean Ward is her name and she will be the last of Mine and Erins dynasty. She is totally beautiful and very quiet so far. We love her and we hope ya'll will to. And if not, Hey, it's your loss, hahahaha.

Emma Jean Ward

Mamma And Emma

Pappa And Emma

Ethan And Emma

Raygen And Emma

Madisen And Emma... She's Thrilled!!

Emma Jean

Emma, Very Peaceful In Daddy's Lap

How Do You Lay Out Your Clothes

Well I haven't posted in quite sometime. I guess I have been waiting for something more meaningful to hit me and when it does, I am to lazy to type it out. As a father though, you run acrossed little nuggets and milestones that your children cross. Such as, my five year old daughter Raygen. She had an Idea on what she would do after we said "Raygen, you need to "lay out" your clothes for tommorow just in case Mommy has the baby." This is what she came up with. Aren't kids great.

Raygens Idea Of Laying Out Clothes

Frodo, Do You Remember The Shire, It'll Be Spring Soon

I woke up this morning...well afternoon, and noticed there was something quite middle earth about me. When I looked in the mirror I felt I was coming straight out of the shire. In my quest to grow my hair longer I have fallen into a trap of serious hobbit head. Take a look for yourselves :)

Frodo's Haircut

Funny Jokes

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, "Not bad, but I could've done better".
Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it's electrified.
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first.
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.
Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
A: Drool.

It Was Fun To Do FonDue...Hardy Har Har

Tonight Erin and I had a Fondue dinner with our friends Kris and Jean along with Bruce and Linda. It was interesting and something new for dinner. Erin and I have noticed that our dinners are much to repetitive and it is time to try new things (within reason ie. sushi, cow tongue, etc.) The menue looked like this.

Appetizer:
Dank Stinky Fondue Cheese with Very excellent Bread

Dinner:
Brocolli, Zuccini, Potatoes, Mushrooms, Onions, Chicken, Beef Tips and Shrimp all dipped (or not) in a luscious Beer Batter and fried in Peanut Oil. Then you would have your choice of delectable dipping sauces like Ranch, Honey Mustard, Cocktail, Horseradish, Dill, and Barbeque.

Dessert:
Strawberries, Cherries, Bannanas, Marshmellows and Pound Cake dipped in hot melted Chocalate.

It was quite the feast. We will probably do it once a year because the preparation is insane. Anyway I am glad for friends and family to share time with. Theres nothing quite like good humor, stories, food and good music to make your day seem better.

Living Like Jesus

My quest to live like Jesus often boggles me. I want to live out what I so desperatley know to be true, but in my wickedness and confusion I seem to say and do the exact opposite. I know that I am at the mercy of Gods love and am only accountable to the revelation in which I've received. So why is it so hard to love others how we want to be loved. Unconditional is defined as:
Without conditions or limitations; absolute: demanded unconditional surrender.Or: not contingent; not determined or influenced by someone or something else.

Rich Mullins says this about Gods love

"If you've ever known the love of God, you know it's nothing but reckless and it's nothing but raging. Sometimes it hurts to be loved, and if it doesn't hurt it's probably not love, may be infatuation. I think a lot of American people are infatuated with God, but we don't really love Him, and they don't really let Him love them. Being loved by God is one of the most painful things in the world, it's also the only thing that can bring us salvation and it's like everything else that is really wonderful, there's a little bit of pain in it, little bit of hurt."

Suffering? Ahh O.k. makes sense now right.....for you maybe....not me. You see, I long to join in the suffering of my great King. I do, because to join in this type of suffering means I get to experience life like Jesus, and in return I grow closer to loving like Him. Which is by far the one thing I need revelation of. Not only do I want to love like Him, I want to live like Him. Hang out with whom He hung with and also fight against what He fought against. This is by far my most relenting quest to date. It just might consume me. Jesus is the vision. Jesus is my cure.

Warning, This Quote Might Make You Green

Words Of Wisdom

My Space? Only Cause I Can Post Music

Hey everyone. I recently started a "My Space" account so I can post music from my first CD. I will also post new music as it comes. It's a pretty cool site in that aspect, but when it comes to blogging, I gotta give it up to blogger. I will be deciding soon on whether or not to get my own actual site. The only thing that is stopping me thus far is learning html and how to actually build one. I want a site that will include a blog as well as songs and pics. I would like to post pics without actually having to write about then. Plus have a news page for upcoming shows and worship times. It would also be cool to have a forum for bible study and stuff. Anyway gotta run. Oh yeah check out the my space page

Multimedia Mullett / Scored It

Well my google search led me to find a mullet site. It's kind of ripping my idea to take pictures of random peoples mulletts and create a fun coffee table book for all to enjoy the fashion style of the mullett. I will begin my quest next week. I'f you would like to go with me then let me know. I go hunting in the begining of next week. Hopefully I will have taken at least 20 different types of mulletts. Wish me luck

HipShaw Thoughts / Do You Really Know Me

Hipshaw thoughts are thoughts that kind of come off the cuff. Tonight will be filled with the most random and dispersed thoughts I've had over a month. They are not in order of importance.

1. I laugh at Owen Wilsons Jokes.
2. Quato is the prophet in the movie Total Recall.
3. I Think I made up the word hipshaw.
4. Earier I was baffeled by my ability to blatently rely on grace.
5. I don't want to be the christian I hate.
6. Somtimes I like to watch horror movies. I don't know why
7. The enemy saying, you don't have a voice at voice.
8. I remember the show "caroline in the city" and I used to watch it every night.
9. I watch Conan Obrien.
10. My house needs more plants.
11. chodepeas.
12. I so need gas.
13. shrimp scampi.
14. This is the best house I've ever lived in.
15. I'm the worlds greatest sinner.
16. I need prayer.
17. I wish I had a Harley.
18. I like the Walflowers and Dinosaur Jr.
19. One More HipShaw
20. Luk 5:20 Impressed by their bold belief, he said, "Friend, I forgive your sins."

Warning Signs Of A Religious Spirit

Recently I stumbled upon something Rick Joyner had wrote that was entitled "Warning Signs Of A Religious Spirit". It was very interesting and insightful. Not only did I recognize the signs in myself. It also led me to think about what I am involved in. You see, my desire is to be as close to God as I can. I realize I am further away than what I want to be. I also am aware that I can't compare my walk to anyone elses. It is unbenificial for me to look at someone elses life and make that the standard of my spiritual journey. I need to do what God wants me to. In reading this I was surprised at my own tendencies of judgement. But I also believe that there is no one who has never thought these thoughts....NO ONE. It is an awakening. Let God deal with the wicked and unjust.

Ecc 3:14-17 I've also concluded that whatever God does, that's the way it's going to be, always. No addition, no subtraction. God's done it and that's it. That's so we'll quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear. Whatever was, is. Whatever will be, is. That's how it always is with God. I took another good look at what's going on: The very place of judgment--corrupt! The place of righteousness--corrupt! I said to myself, "God will judge righteous and wicked." There's a right time for every thing, every deed--and there's no getting around it. (The Message of course)

Now I know that most of everything that Rick Joyner says is credible. And I do know he is right on most of the time. But when you read this ask God to reveal it in your own heart and separate the wheat from the chaff. Ask God to reveal to you what is truth, not Rick Joyner. Remember God sees you the same. A lovable son or daughter.

Warning Signs Of A Religious Spirit:

1. Tend to see your primary mission as tearing down what you think is wrong.
2. The inability to take a rebuke, especially from those you judge less-spiritual.
3. A philosophy that will not listen to other people, only to God.
4. Overwhelming guilt that you can never measure up to God's standard.
5. The tendency to see more of what is wrong with people and other churches, than what is right with them.
6. The belief that you have been appointed to "fix" everyone else.
7. A leadership style that is bossy, overbearing, and intolerant of the failures of others.
8. A sense that you are closer to God than other people or that your life/ministry is more pleasing to God than other's.
9. The belief that you are on the "cutting edge" of what God is doing.
10. A mechanical prayer life.
11. Constantly doing things so that people will notice.
12. The tendency to be suspicious of or oppose new movements in other churches.
13. The inability to join or endorse anything you deem is not "perfect".
14. The belief that you discover deep new meanings in Scripture that nobody else has seen before.
15, If while reading these warning signs, you were thinking of how they apply to someone else, you may have a serious problem with religious spirit.

Ouch right, if this is what the religious spirit does, I'd say we all need to evaluate our conversations with God and others. Remember this though and it might help. You are responsible with what God has given you. No more, no less. What God has given you is what's in His word. Everything is to be tested by scripture and prayed after for understanding. I was once told by a leader that I shouldn't look so grumpy on Sunday because I lead worship. I said "I'm not going to lie about my life cause it's Sunday". He responded with "Well if your not going to be happy then maybe you shouldn't lead" Be transparent? Yeah right!

God Loves Bikers

Today I helped a friend lead worship at a church meeting called "Bikers at the Crossing" which was a group of Harley Bikers that meet twice a month at a coffeehouse (The Crossing)to worship and hear a message. The speaker was a guy named Patrick whom I met in jail when I spent time in there serving an unkown warrant for a speeding ticket and driving without a license in 1996 or something. Anyway, Patrick was in the jail with me and was then known by the jailees as "preacher man". It was good to hear Patrick speak and his message was good too. He talked about being faithful to the end and the church of Philadelphia in Rev. 3. Good stuff. It was good to go to another church and be a part of what God is doing in our region and in the lives of others. Glenn Sharp was there to which was surprising to see Glenn in a church full of bikers. Isn't God great like that :)

Perspective

A couple days ago I fell asleep siting up on my couch. Needless to say that I woke up with the worst kink in my neck and shoulder that I've ever felt. I hope it will go away soon. I have been writing songs lately and have learned to embrace the frustrations of writing worship music. I mean anyone can write a congragational worship song. I'm talking about a song that grips the listener. I have learned that my worship in this season is more reverent than rejoicing. I would like to find the joy in worship, so I can actually say "there's no other place I'd rather be" because when it comes down to it, it's not true. So I don't want to write a song of false statements just because they sound good to the church. What I've found is that preparation through prayer is the way to go. Because it sets my spirit in the right place to convey my true emotion towards God. So at the time when I write, my statement is true "there's no other place I'd rather be". I did however through this process write a new song called "I believe" which is a song about choosing faith instead of circumstance. It says something along the lines of "even when I can't see, when Your right in front of me, I believe". Faith is simply believing Jesus is who He says He is, regardless of evidence. Choosing to worship regardless of what we are going through or where we are. Saying "I believe You are the Christ"

Feels Like Home

Well I said I would post a pic of the home studio so here it is. We'll see how long it will stay clean. Maybe once I get on it, I can post some sample stuff through the telephone from audioblog. It may sound rough but it might be fun.

The Corner Of My Bedroom

Caution, Home Recording In Process

Well I decided to start recording again. Right now I am concentrating on writing new songs and recording them as I go. The result will hopefully conclude in a positive experience, digging deeper into the beauty and majesty of Jesus. I am, at the moment, reconfiguring my laptop into the home internet machine and my home computer into the recording machine. Lots of moving programs around, getting rid of useless stuff, blah, blah, blah. Later, I will take a pic of my new home operation so you can see it in all it's glory (yeah right). I am eager to get started. Eventually I will colaberate with other musicians in order to complete the cd. This time I want to do it right as far as packaging and distribution. As far as the live cd goes. I want to package it right one day. It was only 2 years since the recording of that cd (10.31.03) but it feels like decades. I've gotten such a good response from it that I want to eventually redesign the whole thing (lyrics on the insert...uh...an actual insert). Josh Petrillo gave it the album of the year in 2004. Anyway, I will mostly be focused on making this cd a worship cd, since my heart has been engulfed in worship for the past 2 years. I relized something while cleaning my daughters room today. It seemed the more I dug in, the messier it got. When I said that statement to myself I paused. Wow, "the deeper I go, the messier it gets" I thought. Worship is not about being proper or singing the right song or wearing the right clothes (not in conjuntion with the levites in old testament). But it's a filthy, knock down, zealous, fight. And the deeper we go, the messier it gets. You see, the flesh wants to do everything it can to kill our God given desire to worship Him. So in the midst of it, all this junk comes up, emotional and physical. But here is a thought to ponder. When it gets real messy, I mean, REAL messy, think of this. It's got to be tainted before it's purified. Yes my friends we are all on a journey (not the band) to purification. Chances are we will be, to the last breath. So when it gets dirty..........rest easy

Columbus (John Ruebens Home Town)

Well I finally got around to posting some of the pictures from my Columbus weekend. It was really fun and exciting. I always love working with John and enjoy playing his music. A new Cd is in the works and hopefully God will orchestrate me being able to collaberate with John once again. I met a lot of nice people in Columbus and once again I saw God doing things outside of Elkhart which is always a fresh reminder on how I need to destroy that mindset of the "christian bubble". Anyway, when critisized about selling beer in a christian establishment Franky simply replied "Some people enjoy having a beer when they eat a burrito". Does anyone at all believe that alcolhol does not make you an alcolholic. The reason you drink does.

Johns New CD "Desert Days" And His T-Shirt. The Lower Line Says "Folk For The Soul"

This Is The Vineyard Church We Played At

This Was Our Stage Setup At The Vineyard. I Was On The Left

John Talkin To Some Folks

John's Flyer

The Store Front Of Frankie's. Notice The CBN Sign. "Christian Buisness Network" Lol

Inside Frankie's (That's Franky On The Left)

The House We Stayed At. It Was Emaculate

Musician 4 Hire

Well right now I'm in Easton Ohio (half our from Columbus) at a Panera Bread with my friend John Lee who is playing tonight in Columbus at Franky's Coffeehouse. We are discussing tour dates and promotion. Right now I am playing various instruments with John for his live shows. I played alot of the instruments and helped with arrangments on Johns CD "Desert Days" so it seemed natural I play the live stuff to. John is lining up dates to play and if all goes well I'll be busy with that often, doing gigs in Bloomington, Indy and Chicago. Basically a four hour radius. I have a great time doing this because it is a chance to do what I love doing, glorifying God through music. John's songs are more reflective and offer the soulution of Christ not as the answer to struggle but the rock in the midst of struggle. Well got to go now, on my way to Grove City. I'll post full pictures of the trip later.

John Lee's Website

You Gotta Friend In Me

So right now I am sort of doing freelance for work. Working at the restaurant here and for my friend Conan there. I sure would like to find something steady though. As usual both of my cars are going kaput at the same time. We finally got the minivan running solid again (waterpump)and now my station wagon (which I just paid off) is leaking oil from the oilpan, badly (80$ job). Luckily I have a few friends that know cars and are willing to help me. I don't know where I would be without my friends. You know the people who are for you and not against you, the ones you can get way past small talk in a matter of seconds. The ones who watch you fall and are there to help you up even when you didn't heed the warning. And last but not least, the ones who still call you when you haven't "been around" regardless of how busy they are. Wow, kinda sounds like Jesus doesn't it. I want to thank my friends for being like Jesus;)

8th Wonder Of The World

My Mom is in town for the week so we decided to invite my Uncle Brian over with his family and order pizza. We ordered Brunos and it took like two hours for it to get here. When it finally got here we understood why it took so long. This pizza was the biggest I've ever seen. Needless to say we didn't come close to eating it all. We had a blast that night and we were all full. Thanks Brian for contributing to the fullest stomach I've had in months :)

Mom and my Uncle Brian

Rich Inspires Me

I have always been a fan of Rich Mullins ever since I got saved. His lyrics are something I can relate too, not to mention hearing the passion in his voice when he sings. I was blessed enough to get his dvd at the library last week. The dvd includes a 15 to 16 song set live at Studio B. and some excerpts from a 2 day seminar held at Lesea. Through watching this dvd you could tell Rich was a man very fed up with the christian culture and how we use, what I'll call, christian entertainment as one of our main sources of worship. So when we go to these concerts and we expect that the singer or songwriter should lead us into worship, we are really the ones who suffer. There is such a thing as christian entertainment, and guess what, it's not a bad thing. If we all had our priorities straight we wouldn't have to worry about other peoples. God will deal with us and he will set our priorities straight. See we (I believe) as christians (including myself) have this view of what a good christian should look like. So we spend our whole lives trying to live up to that view instead of letting God change us. I love music. Sometimes I don't want to be serious. God knows this about me and I don't think He minds. He wants me to have fun and be happy and enjoy the life and family He's given me. But God also knows I love to worship and He loves to be worshiped. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that, you can worship anywhere. But don't expect others to when you think they should. Worship is between you and Him. It's one of those things that should be done in secret as well as corporate. If your not worshiping in secret, and your waiting for that corporate meeting to worship. You might want to rethink your gameplan.

People Get Ready

I thought this was very interesting concerning the devastation and location of this hurricane. Intrigued by the lawlessness of the people in New Orleans and reading about what they're going through (of course I have know idea) I was wondering what the meaning of Katrina meant and this is what I found.

Katrina is derived from Katherine
Gender: Feminine
Usage: English
Pronounced: KATH-u-rin, KATH-rin
From the Greek name Αικατερινη (Aikaterine). The etymology is debated: it could derive from the earlier Greek name ‘Εκατερινη (Hekaterine), which came from ‘εκατερος (hekateros) "each of the two"; it could derive from the name of the goddess HECATE; it could be related to Greek αικια (aikia) "torture"; or it could be from a Coptic name meaning "my consecration of your name". The Romans associated it with Greek καθαρος (katharos) "pure" and changed their spelling from Katerina to Katharina to reflect this. The name belonged to a 4th-century saint and martyr from Alexandria who was tortured on the famous Catherine wheel. Another saint by this name was Catherine of Siena, a 14th-century mystic. This name was also borne by two empresses of Russia, including Catherine the Great, and by three of Henry VIII's wives.

In short, what this this name is saying is:

1. It is one of two
2. Torture
3. My consecration of Your name
4. Purity

Breaking it down (and I know this might be a little to out there for people). I should say, Looking through spritual lenses, this could be one of two circumstances that will bring suffering to this nation that God will use to bring consecration to the name of His Son (This could be one of the latter). Through this it will bring purity and humility to those who will embrace it. When I think about this, of course I am grieved that we allow and embrace such disgrace to the Kingdom of God ie. abortion, voodoo, porn (and I know we all sin, I am the biggest of all) but I am also grieved for the lives it will cost. I do know and belive however it is because of the grace of God that He doesn't just call it over yet. He is sounding the trumpets. It's not about what we do, I cannot stress this enough. It's not about how dedicated we are to ministry, no matter how great it seems. It's not even about The House of Prayer, which I belive so much in. What I do know is that when we get to heaven God will not ask us questions like "how many hours were you in my house" He will however let us know whether or not He knew us (Mat 7:22 Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy by thy name, and by thy name cast out demons, and by thy name do many mighty works? Mat 7:23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity). See we can live our whole lives doing, and miss the whole point of just being. Being what you say? Being the son, daughter, wife or husband God created us to be. So whats the answer? What do I need to do you might say. Well, I don't have the answer, but I know who does and if you read all this, you do to. Let's just pray that this isn't just another thing that will fade away like 9/11 a few years ago. Jesus remembers 9/11, all of the abortions, and all of the unrepented sin in America. And He will remember the modern day Sodom and Gamorahs of America. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate America but as a follower of Christ, I am called to love the world, not be of it. "Thy Kingdom come, Thy Will be done". Believing that statement also means believing in this one, "Whatever it takes." Whatever it takes to draw us closer to Him. Here is one of the reasons God has me alive.

Madisen, No She Doesn't Wear Glasses

We Are Family

Here are some pictures of my beautiful children. We finally got a camera so we are using it as much as we can. Anyway more later

Raygen

Madisen

Ethan

All Of Em' - A While Ago

F.U.N.K. Fest Weekend

My weekend was really cool. Me Jeremy and Kris went to Bean Blossom IN. for the first F.U.N.K. Fest (Friends Uv Nature and Knowledge). The main acts were The Victor Wooten Band, Keller Williams, Umphrey's Mcgee and Ekoostic Hookah. Hookah got rained out so that kinda stunk but all in all it was a awesome weekend. Victor did some bass workshops, Jake and Brendan from Umphrey's did guitar workshops along with Reggie Wooten who is a stellar guitar player. Vitor taught more on playing what you feel than playing what you know. Really cool concepts in playing music were talked about. This was my first time seeing Keller Williams and he blew my doors. I plan on seeing him play as much as possible within good driving range. Here are some pics of the weekend.

This Is Victor Wooten Teaching At The Bass Workshop Stage

Keller Williams Was Incredible. He Brought Victor Wooten Up At The End Of His Set. Keller Was Beat Boxin Some Bass Lines And Victor Would Answer Back On His Bass. Vic Teased Ice Ice Baby. It Was Some Killer Keller

Jeremy Pre-Kiefed (He's Holding Three 24oz Steaks)

I Built A Poor Man's Canopy Out Of A Tent Top, Tent Poles, A Painters Plastic Tarp, Some Aluminum Foil, String And A Car. This Is The Front

This Is The Back

My View Of The Stage

I Made A Handy Veggie Pouch To Cook On The Grill. It Consisted Of Green, Red And Yellow Peppers, Portabellas And Regular Mushrooms, Lawreys Season Salt, Basil, Olive Oil And Butter, Also Some Fresh Garlic. Yum

Victor Wooten's Funk Fest All Stars Was Cool But It Got Cut Short Because Of A Power Failure. This Pic Is Of Future Man On Drums, Jake From Umphrey's Mcgee In The Hat And Some Dude On Percussion. Vic Had All The Good Players From The Festival Up To Jam. After They Fixed The Power Umphrey's Came Out To Play. I Got No Pics Of Them Cause They All Came Out Blurry. I'll Get More Pics Of Them Friday

A Night With Jason Upton

Thought I would post some pics with Jason Upton. I really didn't have a chance to take many pictures since I was so busy.
Me and Wife with Jason

The Stage

Time To Start Enjoying Everyday Life

Sitting at home is so boring most of the time. Erin and I both are getting bored in our everyday lives. We want to be exciting and have fun but we can't decide what to do nor do we have any money so that doesn't help. Any non-money suggestions would be welcome.

Good To Be Free

I was thinking the other day about my walk with God. I am so not the person I was 3 years ago and that person was so not who I was 7 years ago when I gave my life to Jesus. A walk that I percieved to be so difficult becomes easier as I understand Jesus's perspective and love for me. I find myself crying a lot more and the fact that it is ok feel's so good. The tears are not always regetful memories but an overbearing feeling of how unworthy I am, but at the same time knowing my worth in Jesus (if that makes sense). For once I am excited about the next place God will have me. I feel the lessons learned are tough and take a long time to understand but the Lord only reveals revelation to a man when the time is right. So the seed can go deep and the roots take hold. Revelation is so good because it takes your secret live and demolishes it. What I do in secret is now revealed to myself, because there was no revelation before, I had know idea how I was grieving the heart of God in my own selfish ways. I know I have a long way to go, but it feels good to be free.

The News

IT'S NOT CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life, Love, Regrets And Dreams

I cried like a baby last night. It felt so good to let out worries, fears and failures in the way a balling on the couch and just thinking about life. I feel better today but I know there is more to be released. It hurt physically to cry so I probably didn't let it all out. I get to this point where I look at my kids and I just want the absolute best for them and I want them to learn and be free to be themselves. I need to work on being an example more in the life of my children. I want them to see me loving their mom the way Christ loves the church. I had a dream last night that was interesting. I was in an old church similar to mine now. Somethings happened and I found myself in the basement of the church kinda through a boiler room door. Some friends of mine (Kris was one I recognized) were down there and a couple of leadership people (Dave and Denny). They were all dressed in different color garbage man type suits, you know the one piece things and were pretty dirty. Someone said "It's been a hard days work" and someone replied "No, it's been a good days work" Then I found myself being in a surreal state of them laughing as I was moving backwards and the door was being closed on me, as the door closed the smiling face closing it turned very serious and stoned faced. Hope that made sense. Anyway I welcome interpretation for this dream. I think I understand the working in the basement of the church thing but all of it was to weird at this point to handle.

Twenty Somethings Should Not Be In Youth Group

So I'm talking to a good friend today and it dawns on me an article I read in Relevant Magazine. Well it wasn't so much an article as it was a n advertisement but it said in huge letters that jumped out to me , "twenty somethings should not still be in youth group". My first thought was, "Amen" and then I left it alone. There was a time before I began pondering the call of my fellow twenty something patrons and was so inebriated by the lack of gusto and how our generation has been looked over time and time again. Not that we shouldn't be , I mean we do have obvious ties with laziness, disengagement, blatant sin, and a significant level of noncommitment (if that's a word). I'll be the first to say I have been a part of all these things but I also see the influence in my life from the generation before me. My parents were divorced when I was ten. So I did not have much to be stable with. My father wasn't there for me all the time as a father because he had his own dreams and ambitious to fulfill. My mom tried very hard but also fell to her own addictions. By the age of 16 I was fighting for my own and very quickly I learned how to cheat, rob and steal. Now that was the path I chose for me, I could have easily done the school rout and blah, blah, blah. I had a lot of friends who did go the school rout and they struggled with the same issues that I did. Abandonment, love, staying committed, purpose and just life. I can say this, twenty somethings are passionate, we can spot a fake a mile away, we also want something legit. I guess what I am saying is that it would be nice to have a group of people meeting together who are twenty somethings that are single, married (with and without kids) from all walks of life and have someone to pour into them/us who are our age and have and is walking this thing in reality. More later gotta go.

Done Deal

So I was gonna post something right after I got home from my surgery but I was in such a stuper from a mix of morphine, anastesia and pain killers that I couldn't figure out how. I did however mange to post a comment on my wifes site that contained some friendly cuss words and sentences that didn't make sence that she had to erase it, although all four sentences were about how cool she is. Anyway I'm coming out of my stuper and I apoligize to anyone who came and saw me that I may have offended. The surgery went well and I am pleased to say that I am not as coughy as I was. Anyhow it went like this.
I went in to get preped and the knockout docter put the IV in a vein right above my left knuckle and started asking me questions while this other doctor was trying to put another type of nescessary needle in my right wrist. After three tries he gave up and my Dad,Lisa,Bob,Bruce,Stan and my wife came into pray for me. All I remember after that was waking up to a nurse asking me what I was doing there. I told her I was there to get a lymph node takin out of my lung for a biopsy. She said "That's exactly right" with that perky nurse like tone and then it hit me, it was over. I felt around and I had a tube hanging out of my chest that was draing what I'll call "fluid". When they pulled it out, there was about 8-10 inches of tube going to my lung. It hurt!! I also had a catheter, hey theres a first time for everything. That's all I'll say about that.
Now It's time for rest. I'm so tired all the time, with the meds and all. I'll post more often now that I have time and a kinda clearer mind. Though You slay me, I will trust You Lord.